Several years ago, there was a life changing interview with a man who would become my superior. Surprisingly I admit I could not read the fellow at first; he pretended to not be guarded, yet there was a distinct guardedness about him that would not allow others in. To most, he was gregarious and open, and thrived on change yet adored the conservative. His heart was very deep; probably a destined romantic that decided romance does not provide the stellar credit score required to find way to stability of the conservative. It seemed his very persona was a dichotomy of a desperate need for freedom quelled by a stern self-stifling discipline wrapped in a package of freshly pressed shirts and slacks every day. It was obvious he had his demons, as he struggled with physical illness issues and moments of self-doubt. His head was oft heavily laden with the burdens of choices beyond his desirable controls, as his need for ethics was as great as his need to breathe.
It was those very same qualities that created a generous compassion and wonderful superior. I don’t know if he chose to hire me because he needed a productive skill set and team member, or, if he connected with me on an intuitive level of a similar mindset. Yet, somehow, after time had passed, I was interviewed again and he asked if I was indeed certain I wanted the position. I told him I wanted to work for him, but I was also honest enough to let him know I would be considering this only semi-permanent as I had plans to move to another country within three years, even if only temporary. He called me to let me know I’d receive an offer the following week.
In the next two to three years, I came to know this man and as he became more impressed by me, which completely surprised me. I’d always had a lack of self-value in the field, because I did not take career path decisions seriously enough. I knew all of life was short and careers even shorter, having jumped several times. But as his illness became more apparent and he would be out for occasional terms, I decided to self-manage with as many organizational and job task acquaintance-ship opportunities as I could muster. Each week, I’d try to prepare a brief to his email to allow him to review the priority list and agenda status of projects and department issues. I’d compile spreadsheets with potential consolidations and alerts, as well as present potential solutions to problems from alternate company locations that would arise.
As he grew to trust my capabilities, he would alert me to realizing my self-abilities in the career and trust me with much higher responsibilities. He continued to say he knew I could handle more than I realized, and at one point, fought to have me reinstated at a higher position than hired, because he felt I had undervalued myself.
He also appreciated the way I fought to maintain integrity of projects throughout the political mayhem that can overtake any corporate decision making process. Unfortunately, as the numbers of chiefs overseeing a project grew, so would the scarcity in the numbers of the people who were actually physically involved with the actual products. Eventually, an entire line of new products and projects could be touched and managed and decided upon, by a slew of faces that had never bought or seen similar products. Many never would even know the manufacturing process, nor would they care. Sometimes, products would be released for sale on the appearance of a photo or final package label, with no one at the top level ever even knowing the history or process of that product.
My boss had almost 30 years with a brand name that covered many of the products we worked on. Somehow, as he excelled early on in that particular industry and brand, I think he fell in love with it. He fell in love with how he became part of the creative living force of the brand, the products, and the joy it would bring to customers of those products. As he jumped job to job early on, somehow, the brand had also fallen in love with him --- the companies would merge and move to bring him back into the same area. It was like the universe had married this man to creation of these items. For him, it was his art; for the brand, he was its engineer.
Unfortunately as time passed, companies merged and larger financial firms made its way into ownership of some of these manufacturing businesses. They would buy up these aged consumer product businesses and turn them into leveraged assets, to ‘diversify’ their assets and interests. When business was good, it would be a profit. If it was bad, it was a tax write off. If it was worse--- they would rob the business of every penny that could be mustered through a ‘value engineering’ process --- and ultimately, after every penny was found and jobs were eliminated, sell off the remainders by selling off the ‘rights to the brand’.
As the masters and the experienced ones became entwined in this litany of bureaucratic company turnover chaos, there was always a price or casualty. Productivity demands from false expectations and misinformed senior level financiers would interfere with the truth and integrity of the humanity and the products themselves. Often, the suffering chain would create a negative aura of disgust on the faces of the people at the production floors, as their very pride was stripped away when the products lost more and more purity.
My boss was one of those who saw this. At first, his conscience led him to follow the chain of command, hoping time would find a better chain when the tides would turn and the brand would be flooded with demands of quality again. He would seek hope and trust in his fellows in the industry, and maintain his dream of being able to achieve integrity and pride in his work again. He wanted to be the good example and great father to his son and outstanding husband to his wife they’d have pride in. He counted on truth and justice to reign in the end. And he encouraged those in others.
He left the company before I did, and told me the words, “I can’t live the lie anymore”. He had felt he sold his soul to continue to maintain a bunch of products he didn’t believe in anymore, because he knew the senior financiers never intended on these products being anything more than a saleable commodity. He knew they didn’t believe in giving these products life.
After I’d left he was given the opportunity to go back with new (financier) owners and to try again. There were a handful of people remaining there, but a few had been career long friends of his. However, by now, everyone had families and heavy mortgages, worrying about retirement and children in college. Everyone was now part of the machine and had become complacent.
A couple months later, I received a phone call. The only words on the other end of the phone I heard was 'he shot himself'.
The strangest part of this conversation was that there was an inexplicable knowing of all the reasons why this would have happened. In the last years of this man's life, I came to respect, then understand, he could not recover from a betrayal so deep that his very soul was dying because it could not really be bought. Perhaps some may have considered it boyish – but I think he still dreamt of a truth and honor in giving life to things in this world, so loyalty and promises meant everything to him. Deep within himself, he refused to corrupt his soul. The saddest part is as much as he sought out a ray of hope in the overwhelming crowds of faces encountered in his professional and private life, the turmoil within could not find the vision to seek his way out of the bindings that gripped his spirit's freedom to believe. I don’t know if he blamed the brand, the industry, the people or the times. But I do know he still believed in hope and friendship and for a better future for his son, where his son would not see his defeated dying spirit, or his burdened face. Whether it can be judged or not, he accomplished his last pleading statement: For us to make different choices for the future, to make things happen for hope and life - in a single shot.
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